Devil's Food Cake
by Zellychan
Summary: Martha Stuart, evil cakes, and assorted nonsense.
1. Default Chapter

This was originally an intermission in my fanfic, Reign of the Five. Now it's the first of an actual, erm… 'story.' (Story a.k.a plotless amusing mush).   
  
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Devil's Food Cake  
  
In today's world, Devil's Food Cake is simply thought by most to be a delicious confectionary treat, devoured by young children and stressed out women. However, beyond this seemingly innocent veil of sweetness lies a dreadful secret and a long hidden cult, that of……  
  
THE DEVIL'S FOOD CAKE! *dramatic music clash*  
  
[http://www.schwartz.co.uk/images/schwartz/DevilsFoodCakeDOW_GIF.gif]  
  
That's right. The true sinister nature of the cake is only known to a small clandestine group who practice their vile religion high in the mountains of Tibet. And this small group is unknowingly about to receive an expected visit from an unwanted guest…  
  
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"What…the hell is THIS?" Dante said, perched on a rocky ledge staring into an earthy cavern below. Below, candles lit the area and a circle of black robed men circled around an golden altar and chanted blasphemies at what appeared to be a large scrumptious wedge of chocolate cake. Dante shook his head. "I mean, I always knew Martha Stuart was evil, but this…What the hell?"  
  
Thus Dante was actually none to surprised to see that when the leader of the circle pulled back his hood he revealed his identity as…Martha Stuart herself. Dante pulled out his cell phone and called a number. "Trish," he hissed into it, "What was the mission again? 'Cause all I found was Martha Stuart leading a chocolate worship. I better still be getting paid for this."   
  
"That actually IS the mission," Trish replied back from her comfy nest at Devil Never Cry, where unbeknownst to Dante she was redecorated everything with lickable wallpaper and pink curtains. Goodness knows the poor girl had to survive somehow. "I know it sounds nuts but apparently that cake is evil, and I mean evil with capital E evil. So you go take care of it," she said fondly while she added a fluffy pink toilet cover, "and I'll hold down the fort here." *click*  
  
"Goddamnit," Dante muttered. "This just takes the fucking cake. Gah, I hate puns." He was about to charge down and split Martha from tip to toe when a dark and rumbling voice echoed out into the cavern…  
  
…from the cake.  
  
"BEHOLD DEVOTED ONES, YOUR TIME IS NEAR NIGH, WHEN I SHALL REIGN UPON THE HUMAN REALM…" the robed worshippers quaked and quivered and blabbered nonsensical religious praise until the voice irritated said, "SHUT UP ALREADY. WE HAVE LARGE SCALE COMPANIES TO TAKE OVER AND MULTITUDES OF OVERWEIGHT AMERICANS TO GREEDILY FEED. IT IS TIME……TO MOVE TO STAGE TWOOOOOOOO!"   
  
With this pronouncement the worshippers all cheered and scurried off to other parts of the cavern. "Ah," Dante said. "The cake can talk. Evilly no less." Seeing no one around, he slithered down from his perch and walked up to cake. "Hello," he said and poked it, then shook his hand furiously as some of the icing came off. "Ugh, cake guts."  
  
"WHO DARES TO DISTURB ME? TREMBLE MORTAL CREATURE, LIKE THE FLESHY BLOB OF GELATONOUS GOO THAT YOU ARE!" Dante just grimaced. Fleshy blob of goo?  
  
"Listen Cake-boy," Dante said poking it again and wondering if he should lick the icing off his fingers. He tried some and nodded appreciatively. "Not bad frosting. But seriously now, I'm going to have to hack you up and stuff so you won't take over the world…or whatever demon cakes do." Dante was about to cheerfully slice the cake (and was secretly thinking of eating a piece) when the cake began to glow an evil red color.  
  
"YOU DARE MOCK ME?" the cake roared. "COME FORTH DARK VELVET!" The red glow of the cake hardened and Dante blinked at the very large red velvet cake that towered beside him. It also appeared very threatening, at least in so much as a cake can, and this would be to say it was not at all. BUT, nevertheless, the large red velvet cake…quivered…at Dante in arrogance.  
  
Dante took a step backwards. Damn! This way more than he'd bargained for. There was only one force that could take on such a deliciously large evil. "Zelly!" Dante called into his cell, "Get down here now! There's free food!" Mere seconds later, a motorcycle burst into the cavern, driven by a beautiful, multi-talented, adored, and not to mention modest girl [hehe, author perks ^_~]. Whipping off her sunglass she sauntered over to Dante and proceeded to glomp him like any true rabid fan girl.  
  
"No!" Dante said, attempting to pry her off. "Just eat the damn cake!" Zelly was instantly distracted by the ten foot tall cake.  
  
"Sugggggggar!" she babbled and proceeded to devour the entire thing in minutes. "Yum," she pronounced satisfied.  
  
"WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?" the devil's food cake said in horror. "BUT YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME…I SHALL RETURN!" it wailed as it slid into another dimension where evil intelligent cakes were actually given the respect they deserved.  
  
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Author's Note: Yum. More insanity shall follow soon. With icing. Double yum. Oh, and if ye wish to appear, following Bustahead's idea, tell me and ye shall added. Somewhere. 


	2. Chapter 2

Hmm. I started writing this about 2 months ago.  
  
Note: I don't own Dante or Trish. Or the random other DMC fanfic authors I threw in.  
  
I do own myself however. I think. *looks around with shifty eyes* 5_5  
  
I also own a batman cape.  
  
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"I don't like it. I don't like it all."  
  
Trish looked up at him with a fork of cake in her mouth. "Really? I think it's kinda tasty." Trish had quickly packed away all the pink decorations from his absence, though she had left the pink toilet cover, insisting it had medicinal values. Whatever that meant.  
  
Dante swung his fork of devil's food cake through the air. "Something is very wrong with this cake, I'm telling you." The cake, which they had bought at the store today, stuck its tongue out at him and blew a raspberry. "It has a tongue for one thing."  
  
The cake was in fact an evil minion of the one great and evil Devil's Food Cake (it's especially evil, thus earned caps). It was sent to the grocery store to entice them and bring down the devil hunter who had insulted it's master. It was actually finding this task rather hard to do, since Dante's stomach was quite hardened from years of day old pizza and booze.  
  
It finally had it's way, however.  
  
"Gah! Huhhh.*thump*" went Dante, keeling over as the evil cake hit his digestive system with all the force of.well, evil cake. Trish darted over and smacked him a few times on the face, then as an afterthought just smacked him some more for good measure and good pleasure.  
  
"Nope, he's out cold," she declared a minute later over a disheveled and rather battered Dante. Suddenly the phone rang.  
  
"Hi there," Trish said in a low husky tone, "Dante's not available at the moment. I'm here, however, if you want to come over and--"  
  
Deep in Dante's sub-consciousness warning bells were flaring about Trish's telephone privileges and their dire need of restriction. Dante was saved from a possible late night visitor from the voice at the end of the phone. Trish pouted, as the caller was not interested in her charms, a certain repetitive event that was depressing her. The only guys apparently attracted to her were arrogant half breeds who liked her because she looked like their mothers. Sigh...  
  
Trish hung up and looked down at the prone Dante. "Well you'd better get up soon. Your evil cakes are on the prowl again." Dante did not budge. The evil cake on the table blew Trish a triumphant raspberry.  
  
"Well damn," she said. "I'm not going after the cakes since this is an ideal opportunity for me to redecorate again." More unnoticed warning bells went off in unconscious Dante's head.  
  
"Hmmmm.....I guess something should be done though. Where am I going to find a superhero at this hour of the -"  
  
*CRASH* went the window as Zelly fell through it. "Mwah!" Zelly called. "I'm here to save the city!" She was wearing a batman costume which she flapped fanatically.  
  
".........So," Trish continued after a moment, "I wonder where I could find a superhero at this-"  
  
"It is I, the Eyebrow Goddess!" boomed Bustahead from the broken window. "I will smite the eyebrowed heathens with my Eyeliner of Justi-" *THWACK EEEE!* went Busta as Chasm walked up and pours flaming cabbage on her then drags her off.  
  
"........Er.....so..." Trish tries to begin again."  
  
"I will save the city!" Zelly cried flapping her cap wildly.  
  
"Listen Zellychan, I don't thi--"  
  
"I'm no longer Zellychan, I am.....Batchan!"  
  
*nanananananananana Batchan!*  
  
Trish sighed and gave up. "Okay. Go to the local grocery store. There's a report of evil cake activity. Try not to eat EVERYTHING this time."  
  
"Woooooo!" Zel-I mean, Batchan called as she flew off into the night to pillage and plunder the already woe befallen grocery place.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Tune in next time for: Self check out machines! Evil Pound Cake! Dante's digestive system! 


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